Faced Hammer
Faced Hammer
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Hammer Thumb Thumb Hammer
It had to happen I suppose. I often used to imagine I'd be sitting at home watching the box one day and someone would actually die in front of the camera. A real life death, as you might say. When it did take place, they brought the curtain down double quick, so nobody was sure if it was part of the act or whether Tommy had really heard God calling, "Exit stage left." Even the broadcaster went off air to cover up. But we all knew in our hearts what had happened.
The act was his usual bumbling 'failed' conjuring tricks mixed up with jokes and off-beat anecdotes. In anyone else's hands it would have been a shambles; an invitation to lob rotten fruit and shout "Get off…!!!" But with Tommy, the audience dissolved, begging for more. He only had to lumber on to the stage for them to laugh. It's a gift given to few.
How fitting if he'd just finished it all with one of his brilliant one liners: "A man went to the doctor's. The doctor said, "You've got four minutes to live". The man says, "Is there anything you can you give me?" The doctor says, "A boiled egg?"
I was thinking about Tommy Cooper the other day. It happened a week before I started wearing my new prescription glasses. They're great. I always get online spectacles, have done for years, these really are cheap glasses. Nothing wrong with low price glasses, in fact I've got myself designer frames. Gant, can you believe? And this year's styles…!!!
The latest glasses came courtesy of a bout of DIY, although to be frank I can't be doing with it normally. Get an expert in, I always say. On the other hand it was only a bit of wood on the shed door. Needed a swift nail, so I thought it wouldn't hurt to do a tiny harmless repair. Did I say 'wouldn't hurt'? If only.
I selected the nail from a bag I keep in the kitchen. It was a flat-headed two incher if memory serves. I wiped the rust off the head of the hammer; I think the next door neighbour was the last to use it, and carried the step ladder down the garden path to the shed where I keep the mower. A piece of planking was flapping around in the wind, about seven feet off the ground. The noise kept the neighbourhood dogs awake, and they in turn made a noise that kept the neighbourhood awake. It needed fixing quick.
I stood on the second step, lined up the plank, held the nail between thumb and forefinger in the position I thought I wanted, and tried to focus on the head. To the regret of my thumb, I found I couldn't focus clearly on the nail. It seemed there might actually be two nails, possibly three. In a rare show of bravado, it could have been stupidity, I decided to go ahead anyway and hit it. It's difficult to describe quite how painful a full blow with a hammer is to an unprotected thumb. In the seconds that followed I did my utmost to let the neighbours know how exquisite was my agony. I might have used unusual words.
I arranged to get an eye test. My optician is Polish. She looks about fifteen and wears bifocals in a designer frame.
"What you do to thumb?" - looking at the bandage. She waggled her own thumb in case I hadn't quite understood. I could see she was struggling to keep her face straight. I told her I couldn't focus on a nail I was trying to hit. I told her I needed new prescription glasses.
"You need glasses." Smart girl. "Maybe try intermediate focus lenses. Is half between reading lens and distance lens. Intermediate is standard for computer - yes. Be standard for hitting nail as well I guess."
I got my prescription and disappeared on to the street to the sound of muffled laughter. I always buy my glasses direct. It's best to get glasses online, in my opinion. There's a great selection of low price frames and designer glasses and savings of more than half the high street prices. I didn't bother with the intermediates lenses, I don't think I'm going to be doing DIY any time soon. I stuck with the low price bifocals in the Gant frames.
The whole episode reminded me of the great Tommy Cooper skit. He puts a bottle and a glass on a table, with a rubber ball in between. He looks at the audience as if they need to know what's on the table. "Glass, bottle. Bottle, glass," he says. He moves them around the table and brings them together quickly before palming the ball. "Bottle, glass. Glass, bottle."
In my case it was, "Hammer, thumb. Thumb, hammer." Like Tommy, I brought the two things together quickly. At the time I felt it might be like dying on stage, only probably not quite as bad. The good news is, at least I can see what I'm doing now with my new spectacles.
About the Author
Anna is a keen cyclist, tea drinker and gardener but not very good at DIY she buys her
prescription glasses online
at Best4glasses where there is a wide choice available from entry level to
designer prescription glasses